We've all got a few of 'em hangin' around. You're better off if you toss em in the trash:
The Attention Funnel - This is that friend that just can't stand to have any form of attention focused on anyone else but themselves. Whilst in your midst they almost go out of their way to pry any form of attention away from you and get it to shower down upon them. When I'm around these sort of people, I'm always imagining them walking around with a gigantic plastic funnel in their hands holding it high over their head, frantically moving it around trying to catch ALL the rain as it falls over your head so they can have it for their own personal consumption. Nope, none for you. You get not a drop. It's all about "ME ME ME". Give me all the attention so I can consume it for me. Forget about you...
The Check Valve - You know what a check valve is? It's a mechanical piece of equipment that permits a fluid or gas to only flow in one direction. No reversal. Only one way. You are gonna have some friends like this. All the giving is coming from you. There is no bi-directional flow in this system. It's a one way street here and you are on the end that sucks. Well, er, actually, they are the ones that are sucking, but you know what I mean. Nobody likes to be the one ALWAYS giving with getting nothing in return. Relationships are about reciprocity.
The Needer - "I need to talk to you. I need you to help me with this. I need your advice before I can do anything. I need your attention! I need it NOW!" Ever had a friend like this? They always need something from you. They are like a leech. Sucking you dry of all you've got. Strong individuals don't NEED anything from anyone. Yes, it's nice to have some back up and support from time to time, but anybody who constantly needs your attention and assistance is not really a friend. They are an associate...an associate who has learned that they can use you. Using people is not what friendships are about.
The Nay Sayer - EVERY time you get excited about something or bring a new idea to them for discussion, they shoot you down. They've got some reason why it's a dumb idea, won't work, gonna fail miserably, etc. They NEVER encourage you or stimulate your creative juices. All they do is knock you down. They are the drag chute on the back of your race car. The rain on your parade. They're always trying to talk you out of stuff.
The Negative One - God damned Debbie downers. Is anything ever good in their lives? Whoa is me. This sucks, that sucks, everything sucks. My cushy, easy life in this 1st world country sucks. Negativity is a contagious toxin that is easily spread. You don't need this in your life. You NEED to surround yourself with MOSTLY, I get it, not everybody is all sunshine and rainbows every waking moment of each day, but MOSTLY positive people.
The Jelly - They are never happy in the face of your wins and accomplishments. They wear a fake congratulatory smile, but you can see it and feel it deep down. They are envious of you. They can never just be happy for you when you do good things. They want your victories and in not having them it seeds a subconscious animosity toward you. The worst manifestation of this comes when you do something awesome, and it's almost like they start acting mean, cold, and unimpressed. They downplay what you've done. Yeah, thanks a lot, "friend".
The Joker at Your Expense - I get it, we all like to poke each other in the ribs from time to time, but there's a line God damnit. You are ALWAYS the butt end of their bullshit. They are always making a foolery with you as the fodder. You are the punch line to their lame ass jokes. "Come on everybody, let's all have a laugh at this clown here!" That's basically what they are saying. This is show of 2 things that are a very big deal: a gross manifestation of the level of respect they hold for you, and the sign of a HIGHLY insecure individual. You need not be around either of these things.
The Dictator - Every time you get together with them it's all about what THEY want to do. Forget about what your likes, desires, needs, interests might be. It's all about them. So what if you've shot pool the last 10x you've hung? Damnit they just love pool so much and who cares if you want to throw darts every once and a while. They like to drive the show ALL..THE..TIME. It's funny, these people are typically good at making you feel like they are listening and might actually go with your flow this time around. But..uhh..oh...wait....no, I'll just coerce you into still doing what I want at the end of the day. Pain in the ass...
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